The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

One dies only if he's not anymore in the hearts and minds of those who know him. - Monkey D. Luffy

Holy freak show!

Make requests, not demands.example: “please” kill that zombie honey, I’m out of bullets.

Unless you learn to lead, you will always be at the mercy of someone else to guide you.

Companies in Mexico are not going to do well if they don't have some connection to not just markets, but also suppliers and technology from the United States.

To make laws that man cannot, and will not obey, serves to bring all laws into contempt.

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.

Who are the moneylenders? They are those who were driven out of the Temple by Christ Himself 2000 years ago. They are those who never work but live on fraud.

Recent demonstration projects have shown that with some Federal support, a little funding can go a long way toward ensuring that low-income children have access to good oral health care.

Good morning, people of the U.N.