The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social commentary.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

I try not to speak about all the charities and people I help, because I believe we can only be truly generous when we expect nothing in return.

Fire is always ready to burn the hand it warms.

The longer I live, the less future there is to worry about.

Drowsing, they take the noble attitude of a great sphinx, who, in a desert land, sleeps always, dreaming dreams that have no end.

Faith is believing that Christ is what he is said to be, and that he will do what he has promised to do, and then to expect this of him.

Those who have tried meekness know the importance of being important.

Every time I act in something, I learn something about what the director is doing. One feeds the other.

In the old days rank was not important - The complete opposite of today. You just trained

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

We assert that the subject is crucial and only that subject matter is valid which is tragic and timeless.