The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Everything happened to find the balance of Life.

What does life give me in the end but sorrow?What do love's good and evil send but sorrow?I've only seen one true companion - pain, And I have known no faithful friend but sorrow.

When you cease to love, you cease to exist.

Sometimes the more you try to focus on something, the less you really see it's beauty. - Burnum (Aboriginal Guide)

A child's appetite for new toys appeal to the desire for ownership and appropriation: the appeal of toys comes to lie not in their use but in their status as possessions.

Many men and women spend their lives in unsuccessful attempts to spin the flax God sends them upon a wheel they can never use.

Apart from being Jennifer Lewis. The name pulls people in.

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

She, though in full-blown flower of glorious beauty, Grows cold even in the summer of her age.

Seth told us good night and left. I watched him go wistfully. “Anyone else here feel like swooning?