The kids who come backstage that have cancer or whatever, make them laugh and smile for a little while, what's the problem with that? There isn't any.

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.

As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.

I've got an answer to where Osama bin Laden is and I know, he's dead and living in my suitcase with my dummies.'

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

I wasn’t too late. I got there in time. I didn’t lose her.

...there are times when silence is a poem.

Even a manically depressed robot is better to talk to than nobody.

A lot of energy is lost to false teachers. Wherever dependency is created, energy is lost.

I'd rather be the king of kids, than the prince of fools.

Fair is not fair, but that which pleaseth.

Death is the end of a stage, not the end of the journey. The road stretches on beyond our comprehension.

I know you aren't perfect. But it's a person's imperfections that make them perfect for someone else.

The glory of sport is born at the moment when the game and the person become one, when all the complexity of one's life finds a moment to emerge in the game.

It is up to us to cultivate our garden.