The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

The only difference between May and Day is the M and D! Be a good Managing Director of your life each day in May.

How does one kill fear, I wonder? How do you shoot a specter through the heart, slash off its spectral head, take it by its spectral throat?

The most human thing we can do is comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

The purpose of terrorism is to terrorize. It's to change the behavior of the people that are being terrorized.

Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.

When you are out in the land, OK, you have the land but you are alone with it. And sometimes it is too much.

I've always felt that kids are really smart.

Few men are so obstinate in their atheism, that a pressing danger will not compel them to acknowledgment of a divine power.

Baldwin thought Europe was a bore, and Chamberlain thought it was only a greater Birmingham.

The profile of a wealthy person is this hard work, perseverance, and most of all, self-discipline.