The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

I call dealing with your calendar the “calendar boogie” because you seriously have to dance around to pull it alltogether.

Walk through pain, face it, lay down in it and rest. Get up and walk again, repeat until you reach the end.

Will and wisdom are both mighty leaders. Our times worship will.

A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.

Expect the most wonderful things to happen, not in the future but right now.

If we do not now dare everything, the fulfillment of that prophecy, re-created from the Bible in song by a slave, is upon us: God gave Noah the rainbow sign. No more water, fire next time.

Draw a straight line and follow it.

Masks are what they seem to be; not so the faces beneath them.

Madness has its own dynamism. It just goes on.

How can you expect to be rescued if you don’t put first things first and act proper?