The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Don’t resent the sky for its storms

In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person.

Javascript is the duct tape of the Internet.

The imbalance between developed and underdeveloped countries - caused by the relationships of dependence - becomes more acute if the cultural point of view is taken into consideration.

I was raised in cities but I was raised in Texas, so there's a certain amount of connection to the earth.

I need to aspire to be a great CEO and not just a great product engineer.

It is as good as second life to be able to look back upon our past life with pleasure

Have we not huddled in bunkers, while some premonition of tomorrow hung in the air and a comrade started singing? Oh, it felt so melancholy! And it was kitsch.

I become more seasoned, it's less interesting to try and compete in the pop market.