The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science that smiles in your face while it picks your pocket.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

We degrade God too much, ascribing to him our ideas, in vexation at being unable to understand Him.

I have noticed a trend in premature deaths in the people that I know and the presence of streetlights outside of their homes.

It is quite impossible to worship God without loving Him.

POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.

I didn't want people to say his brother Bing sings better than he does.

Make the most of what you have and enjoy being female; enjoy being YOU.

If you’re at zero backlog, it’s a whole lot easier to change priorities.

Every change in human attitude must come through internal understanding and acceptance. Man is the only known creature who can reshape and remould himself by altering his attitude.

The emotionally intelligent person is skilled in four areas: identifying emotions, using emotions, understanding emotions, and regulating emotions.

We are all born brave, trusting and greedy, and most of us remain greedy.