The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle.

If you subtracted all of the great artists who never drank, who never went to excess, you wouldn't have any more art left. What kind of poem are you gonna get out of a glass of iced tea?

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

When I die, sprinkle my ashes over the 80's.

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.

Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive

If you want to split a bottle with a friend, then Sammy Hagar is your guy. If you want to split your friend with a bottle than give me a call.

If you put a Van Halen album in your record collection, it will melt all the rest of your records.

Do not plan to die, do not plan for the death of your name or your influence - rather, plan for the resting of a life well lived. Make an eternal mark.

Isolation is the dream killer.

The whole order of things is as outrageous as any miracle which could presume to violate it.

Her heart did whisper that he had done it for her.

To take up the cross of Christ is no great action done once for all; it consists in the continual practice of small duties which are distasteful to us.

The haiku lets meaning float; the aphorism pins it down.

I thought I was an odd person, and since my hometown had only about 70,000 people in it, I knew I was going to have to leave there and go out and find other odd people.

A business must have a conscience as well as a counting house.

I've never been a competition guy.

not fare well, but fare forward