The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I'm consistently on record and will continue to be on record as opposing concealed carry.

Color... thinks by itself, independently of the object it clothes.

My relaxation has always been my animals - going to the dog park with them, going to the beach.

Elite fundamentalism has always been on the corporate side of things.

No other date on the calendar more potently symbolizes all that our nation stands for than the Fourth of July.

Almost everything is like a machine.

Do not think it impossible just because it has never happened. - Friar Tuck

I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

There’s nothing bad about reincarnation per se, it’s basically a very good system, cost-effective and ecologically friendly.

Like madness, is the glory of this life.