The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

We only have one life and two choices: sadness and regret for a past we cannot change or happiness for every moment we can choose how to live.

I don't believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process.

...I just don't see anything ever happening in this life that could make me not want you all over my skin

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said. China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.

Desolation, desolation, I owe so much to desolation.

Every plant has its fitness and must be placed in its proper surroundings so as to bring out its full beauty. Therein lies the art of landscaping.

Instead of being a theater actor who sometimes does movies I became a movie actor who sometimes does theater.

Generally, traditional businesses were slow to recognize the way in which legalized gambling captured dollars from across the entire spectrum of the various consumer markets, but now they know

The only name on my birth certificate was Henley, no first name.