The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Bureaucrats are the only people in the world who can say absolutely nothing and mean it.

The best things and best people rise out of their separateness I'm against a homogenized society because I want the cream to rise.

What's kind of wonderful about being the voice in an animated film is you're a small part of an enormous production. And in a way, you get to remain a little bit objective.

I'm trying to learn how to tap into the power of my own being. I know it sounds corny.

[In old age] there is a childlike innocence, often, that has nothing to do with the childishness of senility. The moments become precious . . .

I'm self-opinionated and I have a sense of self.

We don't want to start a nuclear war unless we really have to, now do we Jack?

God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight.

The path of my life is strewn with cow pats from the devil's own satanic herd!

In prison, you get the chance to see who really loves you.