The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Freedom - rather more complicated in the concrete than the abstract, yes?

Entrepreneurs don´t play safe, they play good.

Man seeks to change the foods available in nature to suit his tastes, thereby putting an end to the very essence of life contained in them.

Giving is what fuels us. Giving is our future.

Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?" "You may ask." "How old are you?" "It's none of your business

People think me a sort of Florence Nightingale, but I have no heroic qualities. I simply don’t feel very much.

He (Dave Brower) is an emotionalist in an age of dangerous reason.

The multipurpose device will always fail.

The best lies about me are the ones I told.

Fashion's been really good to me. It financed Patti Smith: Dream of Life.