The man who didn't want his wife to work has been succeeded by the man who asks about her chances of getting a raise.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.

Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.

One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.

Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.

You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.

The only wealth every human comes to the earth with is the wealth of time.

Laziness is always your fault. It is the sign that a man has persevered in uselessness for too long.

Literacy: Blessing? Or curse?

It is not what happens to people that is significant, but what they think happens to them.

God is more interested in what we are than in what we do. He looks for fruit; we try to produce works.

Every man has a paradise around him till he sins, and the angel of an accusing conscience drives him from his Eden.

Right now I've got just two rules to live by. Rule one: don't taunt elephants. Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants. -Sergeant Schlock

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

I'm a huge fan of Warner Brothers cartoons. I would spend many hours alone after school watching Daffy Duck. I think Daffy Duck is one of the great comedic villains.

Our greatness, our talent has never been the question. It's been a matter of grappling for control over what we do.