The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

As long as karma exists, the world changes. There will always be karma to be taken care of

Violence can only breed more violence and suffering. Our struggle must remain non-violent and free of hatred.

You can swim in life and seawater, but both are hard to swallow.

Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.

Bloggers now have no concept. They are given things; they put them on, take pictures, and then just disappear from sight. Who cares?

Nostalgia combines regularly with manifest respectability to give credence to old error as opposed to new truth.

Things just evolve. I sort of have no control over what happens with the songs. Sometimes I'm afraid I might wake up one morning with an entire record of polka songs.

There's fatigue but also a deliberate desire to want to reach absolute perfection at every concert.

I'm no angel, but I've spread my wings a bit.

I have never seen a more lucid, more lonely, better balanced mad mind than mine.