The mind forever turns on the lathe of its own contradictions.

We always ask where the time went. We never ask where it's coming from.

I’ll feel that horrible feeling in my stomach you get when you’ve gone over to the Dark Side. But I’ll be fine. That’s the good thing about the Dark Side. Eventually, your eyes adjust.

Genius flames and dies, but amiable competence can live forever.

The newspaper is a lecture. The Web is a conversation.

I don't believe in the very concept of "first thing in the morning." I'm a "third thing in the afternoon" fellow.

Calculus destroys self-esteem on contact.

If Mother had to be told not to shove the entire brick of Ivory up Junior's hindquarters, constipation is the least of his problems.

There are three stages to a man's life. 1. He laughs at Clark Griswold. 2. He sympathizes deeply with Clark Griswold. 3. He laughs at Clark Griswold.

All you need to know about Arafat was that he insisted on wearing a pistol when he addressed the UN General Assembly. And all you need to know about the UN, I suppose, is that they let him.

I want to believe in intelligent design, and hence I am suspicious of anything that seems to confirm my desire to believe.

The first method for estimating the intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him.

I wonder if I will ever have the strength to hold onto something. Or if I will always be someone who destroys.

Why only gaze at the stars? Catch one!

Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.

For an adult, eating alone at McDonald's is admitting a kind of defeat.

In the practice of any craft, we are less concerned with the quantity of the product than with its quality, and less concerned with the product than with the artisan.

I'm pretty, but I'm not beautiful.

Sometimes when we’re in situations where we feel we’re not in control, we do things, especially things that take a lot of energy, as a way of making ourselves feel we have some power.

Music is a big gift opportunity.We have to have our best offers disposed to capitalize on that.

Human affairs are like a chess game. Only those who do not take it seriously can be called good players.