The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

Are you afraid of the future? That is funny because future does not exist yet! Future is not even a shadow, because shadow exists! Let go your fear and concentrate on the present time!

True tolerance only arises from a keen awareness of the abysmal ignorance of everyone as far as truth is concerned.

When Christians sing about the wrath of God, we are singing about ourselves.

There are so many local nonprofits making a positive impact every day, and yet, oftentimes we don't hear enough about them or their needs.

The death of classical music is perhaps its oldest continuing tradition.

I wish that we did have a magic wand which we could wave and hey presto! Magic! Unfortunately life is not like that.

Use your imagination until your big dream feels so familiar that its manifestation is the next logical step.

Dare! - this word contains all the politics of our revolution.

The difference between a top-flight creative man and the hack is his ability to express powerful meanings indirectly.

Men don't hear women.