The more you know the less the better.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

The stakes ... are too high for government to be a spectator sport.

Standup is tough; if you are going through a hard period in your life, it is very hard to get up in front of people and be the happy guy in the room.

You find sprinters testing other sprinters' mental capability. But these are my good friends on the track. I don't think we need to do that.

A minister who moves about in society is in a position to read the signs of the times even in a festive gathering, but one who remains shut up in his office learns nothing.

In a way, the blank canvas... represents the infinity of trying to use color to express emotions - to assign a linguistic function to color.

You're a beautiful girl, and you can do anything you want in life.

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

The way that words fit together is always interesting to me. I love words.

My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it's not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or the tables,for that matter.

Without doubt cats are intellectuals who have been, by some mysterious decree of Providence, deprived of the comfort of the word.