The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes).

Fear is faith that it won't work out.

I think being someone in love is so hard to define, so temporary, because retrospectively we often deny the state in which we were in love.

Old married people look so much alike that they have the same number of hairs in their ears.

Well' Francie decided, 'I guess the thing that is giving me this headache is life - and nothing else but'.

Religion says "Do." Grace says "Done" because Jesus said "It is finished."

I'm not trying to be ridiculous or funny, but it was rather pleasant to find yourself in isolation, in solitary.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Eventually you will be dead, but today you are not.

I like the idea of exercising, but I never do.