The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

Emotions tend to entwine Earthlings together.

...Jesus responds to almost every question he's asked with...a question."What do you think? How do you read it?" he asks, again and again and again.

The independence of all political and other bother is a happiness.

As long as you live, keep learning how to live.

True respectability stems not from the will of the majority but from proper reasoning.

As cheesy and melodramatic as it might sound, love excites me more than anything... in all its forms.

For old actors, just remember that inside you're only 14. Acting is for kids. You poor old grown-ups, you've forgotten how to do what kids know automatically.

As a painter I make up projects for myself to express myself. And there's no client, there's no direction.

My happiness is measured in Inches, 2, 4, 6, 8, .... I LOVE SHOES TOO MUCH.