The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

Those who cannot have your love, will gladly accept your hatred.

You just, barged in and flipped my entire world upside down, ” he says, voice heated. “I didn’t know what to do.

It is better to ask for an apology than to ask for permission.

As mayor of San Francisco, I will provide the vision and work hard to make San Francisco a beautiful, well-planned city with excellent housing and transportation options

There was a difference between loving someone and being in love

You win by working hard, making tough decisions and building coalitions.

The pain of preparation is nothing like the pain of losing.

No matter how well a person writes, a successful book is a team effort involving many, many people.

Deepika asked questions like a diligent student. She talks little and saves all she has for the shot.

People don't know my real self, and they're not about to find out.