The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

Love isn't about holding on. It's about letting go.

... He was only a person on the outside and... his insides were ashes mixed with coins and a brain.

We are more disturbed by a calamity which threatens us than by one which has befallen us.

God casts the die, not the dice.

...others, with halos shaped like rollercoasters you'd stand in line to ride twice.

Time is a river, and books are boats.

If everyone smoked weed, the world would be a better place.

Stop saying "right" to me. I'm starting to feel hostile.

Benedict is bumbly, sweet, affable; the nicest man you've met.

I have miles to go before I sleep.