The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Wisdom is the daughter of experience

Every state of society is as luxurious as it can be. Men always take the best they can get.

Only the guilty and the lovers really fear. The first because of what they are, the second for what they might lose.

We talk of sunshine and moonshine, but not of cloud-shine, which is yet one of the illuminations of our skies. A shining cloud is one of the most majestic of all secondary lights.

Have a healthy mental attitude; that's the most important thing and the best thing you can do for yourself.

I have many unrecognized talents, but my faults have somehow succeeded in securing wide recognition.

You are what you settle for.

I loved him so much. It didn't change all the reasons we couldn't be together, but it kept me returning to his body, kept my skin seeking his skin over and over again in the sad dance we did.

The shame in life is not to fail to reach your dream, but to fail to have a dream to reach.

Don't forget: one of the saddest things in life is wasted talent.