The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

People are always telling women to lose weight, and then when they do, other women attack them for it.

To make it a perfect season, let us feel joy and love everyone without a reason.

Contentment empties the heart of all superfluous carriage, thus leaving it entirely for Allah.

Iran is the only country around the negotiating table that has not been attacked by either al-Qaida or Daesh.

A matter that becomes clear ceases to concern us.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Victory passes back and forth between men.

The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those.

Humility is a virtue all preach, none practise, and yet every body is content to hear. The master thinks it good doctrine for his servant, the laity for the clergy, and the clergy for the laity.

I bet most of the crowd does not know that there are six moons in the solar system bigger than Pluto.