The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I guess everybody thinks about old times, even the happiest people.

We're merely one tree with various types, shapes and sizes of leaves that all wave differently in the breeze

If you don't talk about it, it didn't happen.

One must be cold if one wishes to savor chaos.

Always in life bad times will lead to great times.

When Jesus says you must leave your family to follow Him, he doesn't necessarily mean physically. He means leave your dependence on them, make an emotional break with them.

We have a right to defend ourselves, but we don't have a right to aggress.

We all know who Donald Trump's talking to.

The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight.Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace.

I've noticed a surge when I go out somewhere, or if I'm doing stand-up.