The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Anger fed him and clothed him and he owed it much.

It's not the struggle that makes us artists, but Art that makes us struggle.

The areas off the greens are masterpieces. I don't think there's anything like it in North America.

First feed the face, then talk right and wrong.

I just hated school. I dont like to learn. Dont teach me anything!

People who want to go to power places all of the time and want to be around powerful people, they don't last long in the study.

Certainly I think being an absentee farther helps in adding a layer of conflict.

Can't you just tell me now?" "No, I need someone to eat with." A slight smile rose to my lips. "Am I supposed to believe that I'm your only option?" "No. But you're my favorite option.

Until Jesus comes, his resurrection glory in the church is a matter of strength made perfect in suffering.

I'm a goof. I talk too much. I tell stories. I tell cheesy Dad jokes. I'm theatrical and I'll mix things up and I'll surprise people. Those are the things that I just do because that's who I am.