The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Buying books would be a good thing if one could also buy the time to read them but as a rule the purchase of books is mistaken for the appropriation of their contents.

There is love and then there is fluff. Nothing else.

Lermontov: Why do you want to dance?Vicky: Why do you want to live?Lermontov: Well, I don't know exactly why, but... I must.Vicky: That's my answer too.

Your name?” I repeated, hoping it was my imagination that my voice faltered. “Call me Patch. I mean it. Call me

I didn't know what to expect coming to college. High school was pretty easy and I guess I expected college to be along the same route. It was just an overwhelming experience.

Younger men are more supportive and a lot less demanding, and they also have more time for their relationships.

Friends call me Hitch. Maybe it can be turned into a 900-phone number. People would pay to talk to me.

I am a camera with its shutter open, quite passive, recording, not thinking.

The more complicated the movie, the more complex the budget, the more lonely it gets. There's a point where ... who do you go to, other than prayer and friends?

Nothing in our lifetimes has been more heartening than when people of the former Soviet Union and Central Europe broke the grip of communism. We have aided their progress and I am proud of it.