The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Never argue with a mother who's scolding her child.

And what is laughter anyway? Changing the angle of vision.

Only listen to the observations of the enlightened because everyone else is self-centered, egocentric and bound by the net of desire.

Being on a boat that's moving through the water, it's so clear. Everything falls into place in terms of what's important and what's not.

Summer School: Never stop learnin' if you want to stop earnin'. I'm reasonably sure there G's in learning and earning.

Neil Young is the prime example, the grand goal, if you will. He's still shredding, and he never lost his credibility.

It is easy to defend the innocent; but who is eloquent enough to defend the guilty?

I could never quite accustom myself to absinthe, but it suits my style so well

Everything becomes too normal after a while.

I touched an Oscar once. Friend of mine has one, for writing. As soon as I touched it, he said, Now you'll never win one.