The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

The pain of the journey should challenge you to make change, the vision of what could be drives you forward.

To a materialist life is nothing but a complex self-sustaining pattern, easily disrupted and gone when destroyed.

Swift waters parted by the jagged rocks are joined at river's end. / 瀬をはやみ 岩にせかるる 滝川の われても末に あはむとぞ思ふ

people see so many movies that when they finally see one not so bad as the others, they think it's great. an Academy Award means that you don't stink quite as much as your cousin.

Freedom is the default position. Everything the government does takes away some of our freedom... That's why we have a constitution, to restrain the government.

I think Hillary Clinton has just got to try to be herself. And she's got to talk about the issues that Americans care about, which is what she's been doing.

We have written a draft of the script in every calendar year since [2010]. Quite honestly. Our Deadpool file is... full, to capacity.

I knew from a young age that I could sing and it was impressed upon me that if I got a classically trained education in voice, it would serve as a foundation for whatever I chose to do.

Ciao," I say casually, and flick my hair back. "Si. Ciao." I could so be Italian. Except I might have to learn a few more words.