The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

What man wants does not matter.

Persistent prophecy is a familiar way of assuring the event.

Nothing can be sworn impossible since Zeus made night during mid-day, hiding the light of the shining Sun.

Here's an idea: How about just 'Americans?' That has a nice ring to it, if you ask me. Placing undue emphasis on our 'separateness' is a step backward. Bring back the melting pot.

I am in charity, my children, with all the servants of God.

When seen from outer space, our beautiful blue planet has no national boundaries.

I loved writing and performing, but the idea of doing it for a living seemed so remote. But I eventually let it devolve to the point where it was the only thing I could do.

Technique plays a part - you have to know how to play.

The best way to describe myself would be...unpredictable.

God comes to you disguised as your life.