The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post what it feels about dogs.", October 31, 1977]

I just am a snob when it comes to humor.

And common is the commonplace, And vacant chaff well meant for grain.

All the successful people I knew in life had high self-esteem and all the losers had low self-esteem.

My advice would be to go with the "love who you are, embrace yourself" vibe that's happening right now.

We'd sit outside and watch the stars at night She'd tell me to make a wish I'd wish we both could fly.

If you do enough things, you're going to eventually narrow it down to the things that really make you happy.

There's nothing a teacher likes better than ten minute videos. It's not the whole class, but it's not too short, it's enough to wrap a lesson plan around.

My occupation is syncopation. But, every time, my syncopation is different, because I can never play the same fill twice. I just can't, never have been able to.

I never get bored, because there’s always different puzzles, I’m wearing different clothes, there’s different contestants, there’s different prizes.