The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

I was the silent and ever present figure in your life...but you.” I kissed the back of her hand softly and closed my eyes. "You've always been the meaning of mine.

...but which of us has read every line of the Iliad, or the Aeneid, or The Divine Comedy, or Paradise Lost? Only men of epic stomach can digest these epic tales.

Are you ready to go to the bedroom?" "I thought you'd never ask." He winked.

The best place to cry is on a mother's arms.

A wise person once wrote, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person would die.” But the only one dying is ourselves.

There is no need for fur - since there are compassionate alternatives.

And the ultimate thing is, I may not be the expert that some people are on foreign policy, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Love is where it's at. I'm not speaking of sexual love. I'm talking about where you love each other, want to do the best for each other and just just are happy you found each other.

There is obviously a power and a truth in action that doesn't lie, which words easily can do.

But methings wit is more necessary than beauty; and I think no young woman ugly that has it, and no handsome woman agreeable without it