The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.

What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us but for ours to amuse them.

The computer is the new fireplace, everyone in the family gathers around the digital hearth for warmth.

First tell the truth, then give your opinion.

That a literature in our time is living is shown in that way that it debates problems.

Our owne actions are our security, not others judgements.

I take a whole life story and compress it into three minutes.

That's the beauty of song writing. You never know when inspiration will come or how it will hit, you just gotta kinda grasp a hold of it and make sense of it somehow.

They think I'm crazy and maybe I am. But maybe I'm a genius.

Maybe she was drunk - the woman never could drink. One little sniff of tequila and she was off into some blonde la-la land.

Joy may be a miser, But Sorrow's purse is free.