The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

In all judgements by which we describe anything as beautiful, we allow no one to be of another opinion.

Up, then, with speed, and work; Fling ease and self away-- This is no time for thee to sleep-- Up, watch, and work, and pray!

I think it's really unfortunate that academics have been sidelined in most important policy debates.

Before I got signed, I was doing a lot of DVD's, and a lot of freestyles.

Till the master of all good workmen shall set us to work anew.

No government can make me wear a veil, no government can force me not to wear it either

Like kindness, a smile from the heart not only purifies the human mind but also illumines the human heart.

It took 200 years for the Crusaders to create [this] Muslim fanaticism. It was the exact imitation of Christian intolerance.

Once (Stan) Musial timed your fastball, your infielders were in jeopardy.

Procrastination is One of those Excuses, Born of Fear, that we Use to Keep Ourselves Stuck