The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can't always understand them, but we have to trust in them.

It's only people, as far as we know, who look up at the stars and wonder what they are.

Writing headlines is a specialty - there are outstanding writers who will tell you they couldn't write a headline to save their lives.

You get involved with a character after spending a long time waiting, and this demands a lot of energy and concentration.

There clearly are contacts between al Qaeda and Iraq that can be documented; there clearly is testimony that some of the contacts have been important contacts and that there's a relationship here

Tell him I mind having to look pretty, that's what I mind, because it is so much more of an effort.

All heiresses are beautiful.

It's not about working anymore, it's about doing work I can be proud of.

Without question, the Red Ryder BB gun is the most important gun in the history of American weaponry.

I can dine at the White House, but I can still hang at the 'hood.