The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Soul connections are not often found and are worth every bit of fight left in you to keep.

As anyone who's ever taken an Ethiopian bus knows, there is an unwritten rule that the windows must remain firmly closed.

but sometimes deception is needed not to hurt the ones we care for.

If you focus too much on development of the visual angle, it could be a detriment to what you're doing musically.

He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes.

Suppose something goes wrong? Suppose you need a big full-figure woman like me to help straighten things out?" Lula

"Thinking" is not something we talk about.

Every 10 years, I know less about love and relationships. The smarter I get, the less I know.

Posterity pays for the sins of their fathers.

Most Christians long to see miracles, but they don't want to be put in a position where they will need one.