The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian.

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

You look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby back ribs cookoff.

It's too bad war makes peopledisappear like chess pieces, and that prisonsturn prisoners into movie endings.

He doesn't jingle my chimes.

A conscious being without free will is simply a metaphysical absurdity.

I don't understand these new coaches who don't drink. What do they do when they get beat?

Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.

If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

The work of preaching is the highest and greatest and most glorious calling to which anyone can ever be called.

I cannot dance, O Lord, unless You lead me.

Painting directly from nature is difficult as things do not remain the same; the camera helps to retain the picture in your mind.