The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Fragments of energy sizzled against my skin where he touched me, like sparks that shoot from a sparkler you played with as a kid.

Golf courses sell real estate and that's why they're built.

It's good to have a prayer on your lips wherever you go.

There's no reason to speak. I have nothing to say.

Paintin's not important. What's important is keepin' busy.

It's hard to give someone advice when you're an institution. I don't really put a lot of pressure on it - I'm just open to doing stuff that's challenging.

We are all born children- the trick is remaining one.

There was never an idea started that woke up men out of their stupid indifference but its originator was spoken of as a crank.

Any altruistic system is inherently unstable, because it is open to abuse by selfish individuals, ready to exploit it.

I do not believe in loving enemies; I have pretty hard work to love my friends.