The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Hearts can break. Yes, hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did, but we don't.

My cancer is me. The tumors are made of me. They’re made of me as surely as my brain and my heart are made of me. It is a civil war with a predetermined winner

You've really got to get down on the floor with yourself and get low in order to make great art. I think you've just got to accept who you are and do the most unbelievable things.

The editing of moving pictures is geared toward the single image. You'd have to edit things in new ways.

I think managing pain with narcotics could be a useful skill. Hiding your true self from you co-workers, which is totally true. Exacting justice when it needs to be dealt.

People who have undergone a loss get a fair amount of leeway on their behavior.

Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports... all the others are games.

In a garden you can find, quiet thoughts that calm the mind.

During the week that I arrived in the United States, I saw an airport, used a telephone, used a library, talked with a scientist, and was shown a computer for the first time in my life.

There are as many characters in men As there are shapes in nature.