The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

He who is born of God, overcomes the world

Three things to help keep your brain cells awake and alert ... drink plenty of clean water, get plenty of deep sleep, and let your imagination soar to places it's never dared venture.

We're like America's little pit bull. They beat it, starve it, mistreat it, and once in a while they let it out to attack somebody.

Soon, " he said in his letter. They said "soon" to each other often, and "soon" gave their plan the weight of something real.

I don't need interesting camera angles, I am interesting.

Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'

I saw that philosophy had no power to make my life more bearable. Thus I lost my belief in philosophy.

An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.

There is a noble manner of being poor, and who does not know it will never be rich.

The first thing I would do for anyone who's trying to lose body fat, for instance, would be to remove foods from the house that he or she would consume during lapses of self-control.