The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

We all have our fears. Anyone who says otherwise is probably scared of admitting it.

Give me ten thousand Filipino soldiers and I will conquer the world.

Even if you don't understand the language, you can still love the music.

Democrats were simply hoping to win some political points by getting their outlandish rhetoric published in the newspapers and heard on the talk shows.

Walk away from your own preoccupations . . . and see the perishing multitudes.

I just love vintage. I have far too many vintage dresses.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness wasn't spending it helping people who needed it.

I like his consistency, because Bernie Sanders talk - it boils down to the American people. His one thing is the American people.

All desires and egoism will have to be banished from the being.

Ten minutes spent in the presence of Christ every day, aye, two minutes, will make the whole day different.