The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Neoclassical economics insists that advertising cannot force consumers to buy anything they don't already want to buy.

This aggression will not stand

What silence rules the ghostly hours That guard the close of human sleep!

I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.

The site I landed on feels much more isolated than it really is; it's almost magical. Within its limited radius, there was a whole range of the local ecology.

The way must be in you; the destination also must be in you and not somewhere else in space or time. If that kind of self-transformation is being realized in you, you will arrive.

I know I shall not live very long... If I've painted three good pictures, then I shall leave gladly with flowers in my hand and my hair.

A short absence is the safest.

Yet a man may love a paradox, without losing either his wit or his honesty.

I plead with you to have the courage to refrain from judging and criticizing those around you, as well as the courage to make certain that everyone is included and feels loved and valued.