The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I am not the sharpest knife in the knife-thing.

Trying to understand man without recognizing him as imago Dei is like trying to understand a bas-relief without recognizing it as a carving.

Didn’t we all grow up understanding that bribes and payoffs - - by whatever name or rationale - - were bad. And that people were supposed to be the focal point of society, not money?

The only good luck many great men ever had was being born with the ability and determination to overcome bad luck.

Every man gotta right to decide his own destiny.

Girls are supposed to dance. That's why god gave them parts that jiggle.

Religion was important to me. My family and I were very religious. I acctualy believe the work I did was a calling from God himself.

As a customer service representative; it is hard to deal with people who has an attitude when I pick up the phone.

My dad taught me my faith, and I believe what he taught me. The man never lied to me in his life.

There comes a time in every person's life when he has to choose the course his life will take.