The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.

FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his master eat.

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

The only thing we chase our shots with are high-fives.

Conservatism is a hard choice for a society that has become accustomed to big government and big entitlements promoted by liberals.

But touch me, and no minister so sore. Whoe'er offends, at some unlucky time Slides into verse, and hitches in a rhyme, Sacred to ridicule his whole life long, And the sad burthen of some merry song.

Certain foods no longer agree with me. If I eat French fries, I might feel sick to my stomach.

The best aid to give is intellectual aid, a gift of useful knowledge. A gift of knowledge is infinitely preferable to a gift of material things.

Bigotry is an incapacity to conceive seriously the alternative to a proposition.

There are things we can do [with violence], and we ought to do it in a bipartisan way.

I stuck my tongue out at him because I was feeling exceptionall mature.

Mr. President, we've taken off our "Kick Me" sign.

Before you went to work this morning in the city, did you spend some time with your family? Did you kiss your wife and tell her that she's pretty?