The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Of all life's pleasures, only love owes no debt to death.

I don't want to set the world up for surprises.

The only thing that is real is the being in you that is going to die.

There is a right and a wrong in the universe, and the distinction between the two is not that difficult to make.

You know the mind is an astonishing, long-living, erotic thing.

You have to do disappointment twice.

I think we should want all of our cities to become more compassionate places, frankly.

This PRS is perfect for anyone who wants an awesome quality, versatile, rockin' guitar at an affordable price. I love it; try it out!

We’re supposed to depend upon God for our protection and our provision and for our daily bread, not for our government.

Everyone has his superstitions. One of mine has always been when I started to go anywhere, accomplished.