The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Remember, results aren't the criteria for success — it's the effort made for achievement that is most important.

But there was nothing in the darkness. Only rain, and fire and the past.

Inner values like friendship, trust, honesty and compassion are much more reliable than money - they always bring happiness and strength.

It is the tyranny of hidden prejudices that makes us deaf to what speaks to us in tradition.

Perhaps the enemies of liberty are such only because they judge it by its loud voice.

Yippee. I’ve been promoted from fire lighter to delivery boy. I’ll write a letter home to Mother. She’ll be so pleased.” --Leif

We arrogantly assume that the nervous system doesn't really need to be coaxed into romance. That romance comes from some other place.

Tranquility, allied to loneliness, possessed no charms.

I have not earned the right to be called the young Sinatra, but give me time.

I said with perfect honest, "I have no intention of trying to take these suckers out by myself, no.