The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.'

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

If you Believe in yourself, Others will Believe in you, .

When I was growing up, my dad didn't have weights, so he made himself a weight bench. Instead of a hand-me-down jacket, it was a hand-me-down weight bench.

True friends are a single soul divided between different bodies.

When your dad makes a living as a children's singer, you figure, 'I can do anything.' He made up his own job and did it.

To be absolved, especially if you commit a crime, there is no absolution, you must pay. But for forgiveness, with God or nature, you have to accept what you've done.

Seeking knowledge is like opening doors. And I know the doors are everywhere.

Tell your husbands any bad news when everything is calm, not just as they come through the door.

Think of it as the Doorway of No Return. The feeling must be that your lead character, once she passes through, cannot go home again until the major problem of the plot is solved.

Magic is something that seems like it goes against how the world works and its us magicians job to be doing that.

Man is the jewel of God, who has created this material world to keep his treasure in.