The practical joke is the psychiatry of baseball.

No one ever grew up intending to be an umpire, except perhaps my friend Bill Haller. His brother Tom wanted to be a catcher, so an affinity for masks must run in that family.

Umpiring is best described as the profession of standing between two seven-year olds with one ice cream cone.

Throwing people out of a game is like learning to ride a bicycle--once you get the hang of it, it can be a lot of fun.

Any umpire who claims he has never missed a play is . . . well, an umpire.

Umpire's heaven is a place where he works third base every game. Home is where the heartache is.

One reason I never called balks is that I never understood the rule.

Being an umpire is like being a king. It prepares you for nothing.

Lou Piniella only argues on days ending with the letter 'y'.

I never called a balk in my life. I didn't understand the rule.

If it's true you learn from your mistakes, Jim Frey will be the best manager ever

I lived for so long without you, only dreaming of the concept of you. And, now that I know you, I can't imagine going back there... to a me that didn't know your name.

To take a stand on IP, India needs to have a stand first.

In a Trump administration we're going to go about creating a new relationship between our two countries [U.S and Mexico], but it's going to be a fair relationship. We want fairness.

This virtual reality stuff is the technological equivalent, really, of psychedelics.

whoever has done a wrong deed and thinks that no one knows it, deceives himself.

There are times with your friends when you just have to put their whole mess out of your mind for a while.

I sincerely believe that everything - everything - is grace, and you have to stick around long enough to see it through. I'm a very optimistic person.

When you really want to show some love, keep the flowers and say it with spaghetti.

Friends don't let friends commit social suicide.

Everybody is somewhere.