The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.

FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his master eat.

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

You can't tell an audience to like a character. And I think the best way to get the audience on someone's side is to embarrass them.

I don't want you folks to do a lot of talking. Just shut up and get out of the way.

What a life in science really teaches you is the vastness of our ignorance.

The very scary thing about religion, to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think He is.

If you want to know about what's good in art, you should talk to an artist.

The kindergarten children are confident in spirit, infinite in resources, and eager to learn. Everything is still possible.

When it comes to innovation, business has much to learn from design. The philosophy in design shops is, 'try it, prototype it, and improve it'.

Your reality is yours. Stop wasting time looking at someone else's reality while doing nothing about yours.

To exercise some sort of control over others is the secret motive of every selfish person.

My father speaks for himself, through his music.