The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Don’t allow your life disappear into an abstract mirage

When you take the high road you will see things that some people can't.

Hey 'Bachelor, ' take notes! Trusting one another and sharing a journey to health leads to lasting relationships!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I like to be aggressive. I like to swing the bat.

England is obsessed with where you came from, and they are determined to keep you in that place, be it in a drawing room or in the gutter.

It is a great thing to be a child of God, and joint-heir with Jesus Christ. If this is your privilege, you will know the fellowship of Christ's sufferings.

'Do you know,' he asked in a delicious accent, 'what Dom Pérignon said after inventing champagne?' 'No?' I said. 'He called out to his fellow monks, 'Come quickly: I am tasting the stars!'

With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.

I wanted to leave Eight Is Enough for the Navy.